reaching the bottom

Being sick always has the potential to do that, doesn't it?

I am, quite honestly, fundamentally unhappy with my life at the moment. I know that is a most-unBuddhist thing to say, and of course, if I slow it all down to the pressing of the keys on the board and the snort-purr of my cat, the taste of a raisin on my tongue and the ways tears itch, I know that life is beautiful and grand and a gift in every breath. That is an undeniable truth.

But when the angle is put to wide-lense and I see the whole thing, the darkness sets in. No job. No purpose. No ability to make plans. No chance to travel. Borrowing money. Racking up the credit card debt. Spending more time in a bathrobe than I care to admit. I know that our worth as human being should not be based in our work, but as a product of this society, how could I avoid that concept seeping deep beneath my skin? I feel like I kept the good face for the most part in those first three months but it's falling now and I am reaching the bottom.

That doesn't mean anything in any permanent sense. It is a parabola like everything else in life, or an infinity sign, as the resilience community explains it. Destruction must take place for there to be a new path and that path, although it may resemble others who have formed before, has its own way of threading through the world. And I know that once I am on that path, I will forget how this ever felt so awful and I will be as in those moments as I am in these. It's the waiting that's killing me.

So the question is, do I remain patient for my fate or do I evoke large change and push the system? I have always done the latter- it's feels so much more comfortable and gives that feeling of control we (I?) crave in this world. I have been receiving many messages regarding the former though- fortune cookies, my daily email from the Universe, Tao stones someone pulled for me etc. And in every moment I feel like giving up, some (false) opportunity presents itself, keeping me here. But as the bottom becomes closer, I start to wonder about this wisdom and my eyes are roving. I'm not sure how long I can hang out as an unmoored boat with no motor...