I am sitting in a favorite Austin coffee shop, zooming through the to-dos necessary to reach a dream. A to-do list for my dream! Is there anything more fun than this? I submit that there is not!
But with that dream comes an unexpected amount of worry. Maybe one could even call it anxiety. And for me, this time, primarily around money.
I do hate money, oh so much. I simply don't "get" it. I don't hunger for it or worship it... actually there's just not a spot in my brain reserved for it. And that goes for its material counterparts as well: clothing, car, place to sleep, jewelry... or whatever other physical objects people use money to attain (excepting food... but I feel food is closer to experience than 'material'). All this was confirmed by an astrologer last week (don't ask, long story). Some planet is in some house and it proves that I have very little concept of money or the material world. But does that mean I'll always have to struggle with it?
Starting this book, The Wine Roads of Texas, is like fulfilling a destiny. It's woken me up in the middle of the night for about a year now, followed me around, whispering in my ear. *I* didn't come up with this idea to work under its original author, IT did (either the book, or the Universe). But, as with any and all dreams that are meant to happen, it comes with one large challenge, that feels completely insurmountable. I am paid nothing to do this, not even gas money. I will have a small portion of the royalties after its published. This means I have to fully support myself while I travel around the state- credit card bills, phone bill, insurances, food, gas and all.
At first I brainstormed all the ways I could get more money: unemployment for the time I was between Glacier National Park and the restaurant in Austin (a horribly challenging set of Vogon loops, extra complicated by applying across state), refund for a crap-battery repair that showed me how much small I am than the man; I even tried to brainstorm a way to hold a raffle for a copy of the book and a bottle of Texas wine that matched the winners' tastes... but I couldn't ask for that, from anyone. I can't ask anyone else for the funds. It's not within my nature.
So I decided to work for it at the restaurant here. I've shaved off every extra spending I can think of, even limiting my coffee or eating out to what I can scrounge from change in my car. I have committed myself to homelessness. I set my mind to earning a lot here, working often and with passion- being a sheer *magnet* for money. Bring it to me, Siena! Then I came into work and I was handed 3 awful shifts in a row. The Rangers being in the World Series, combined with local high school homecoming night and just a bad luck of the draw, I started to panic. Not only was it not above and beyond expectations, it was way below the necessary amount needed just to survive without the book's requirements as well.
This is a waterfall in Glacier National Park and I do so love the sign. It highlights that beautiful moment when you are soaring on faith and momentum and untarnished joy, then a little breath of doubt graces your wings and sends you into a tail spin. My last bad shift, I panicked. All the work on meditation and recognition of worthless thoughts went out the window and were replaced by crippling fear. I want this so badly. I have never been so close to such a big dream made of so many aspects of myself. So the second those thoughts flooded in, I lost my composure and I haven't fully regained it since.
This is okay.
This is supposed to happen.
If I can't beat off the fear, I can at least be stubborn enough to limp through it, to 'fake it till you make it.' All I know to do is keep sending positive energy out in the world and keep pushing this vision, even making it bigger. All it's teaching me is this isn't going to be easy and I'm going to have to be willing to puff-chest it up to my lessons, be willing to expand.
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