grace

Let me tell you, I've gotten off track before. But never has it been so shocking as the contrast this time around, when I was so ON track before diverting. Peace, peace, focus and joy turned doubt, distraction, worry and panic. Just slightly, but even a speck of those emotions after such bliss is jolting.

There's one particular problem I've created for myself in this diversion that's created the most distraction and messed the most with my confidence. I've been searching for a solution nearly every minute of the last few days which is an awful lot more (useless) thinking than I usually experience. Every time I thought I had come to a possible solution, it didn't sit right with me and I felt the need to ask someone else for advice. I almost never do that for important decisions. There is a button inside me that just clicks and points me towards the right path.

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My passenger side headlight went out today. But I noticed it too late to buy a new one before work, meaning I would have to drive at night when it was obvious. Which means I might attract a cop, who would surely notice that my car's registration has been out since JUNE. Which is exactly what happened not 5 minutes after I left work.

I saw him right as I pulled onto the highway and noticed that he slowed when I came into his rearview. I tried to stay behind him and looked for roads to turn off onto, but he just edged over to the shoulder, let me pass and threw his lights. I thanked every drop of water in the sky that the bartender hadn't bothered to serve me before I left the bar. Then I thought of my registration and knew my time had come.

I was very polite with him, using 'Sir' and looking him in the eye. He asked how long I had been in Texas and I told him, then told him I had been in Glacier National Park all summer, hoping it would help later when he noticed my registration. First he threatened to check if I had any warnings about my headlight; if I was lying to him about when I noticed it, I'd be getting a ticket. This told me he was serious and perhaps on a revenue run.

As he looked at all my documents, he noticed there were at least three addresses in use; he asked about each one and I actually apologized for not getting an apartment yet. I saw him glance around my car a few times. It definitely looked lived out of it tonight. My undergraduate research taught me you can certainly get in trouble for being homeless and I knew I looked all kinds of suspicious. Slowly he put together my story of moving here, trying to register my car, trying to get a Texas license, being transient, where I worked, why I was here. He asked for evidence that I was trying to register my car and I praised every kelvin of heat coming from my floorboard that I had paperwork for reordering its title. He told me he would be doing some research, then walked back to his car.

I felt so calm. My mind had stopped working on its silly problem and I just stared out into the rain. For a brief moment I thought of taking a picture of the lights behind me and sending it to a friend who hates authority, but I decided to just rest instead and maybe muse on how much my ticket would be and what I'd be giving up to pay it.

He returned after ten minutes and said he was giving me a warning for the headlight and one for the registration and made a point to inform me it would not go on my driving record. The next breath felt so sweet in my lungs. I thanked every cell in his hands as they passed me the sheet to sign. Then I thanked him directly, telling him I know he didn't have to give me a warning for the registration, but I really appreciated that he did. I looked him in the eye and I meant it. He stammered when he said "You're welcome" and I hope he felt the tidal wave of my gratitude.

As I pulled back onto the highway, the solution to my problem popped into my head in simple sentences and I felt no more need for advice. My mind shut up its yammering around the subject and a sudden flow of bliss coursed through my veins. This time, I thanked whatever it was that watched over me tonight, and thanked the officer again for his blessing. It was all the more motivation to get back on track and to do it with joy. So much grace in this life.