the next step

So I got a message from my dad on Thursday. CAT scan revealed that the spot found in my mom's lungs about 6 months back has changed... gotten bigger. And there are some kinks in the bowels that might be causing her dizzy spells, probably additional adhesions (scarring from her previous surgery).

I love listening to how she describes the awareness of her body in relation to these. With the adhesions, she's known something isn't quite right in her digestive system and has been eating accordingly. It's been that way for a couple of months. And with the lungs, she doesn't feel it is something dangerous. Just doesn't. This lines up with the doctor who says if it were malignant, it would have grown much, much faster. Perhaps just a cyst.

My father has flown out, arriving last night. There's a PET scan scheduled for Monday and perhaps a follow up needle biopsy. I love that MD Anderson doesn't wait for a thing- get on it, be aggressive and be informed.

I've talked to my mom twice in her hotel room and she is so positive, hopeful, supportive of *me* (where does that energy come from?), and wise. We will take this one day, one step at a time. Putting all energy into positivity and not assuming anything before we know. Positive energy makes all the difference in the world and in the body. So I am trying to keep step with her.

(although, I have to say, this sort of thing changes the world, at least from inside your head. I lost it Thursday night laying next to J, tried to be quiet with the heaves. He work up with a "Hi" and just engulfed me as I babbled about all the changes this might cause. I go home May 19th and might have to stay there for the summer, missing my research trip abroad. And how does it affect school next year? And my mind spiraled and spiraled out to all these possibilities that might never take place, most of them relatively trivial so I didn't have to think about what it would be really like to lose her. He said he'd do anything he could to support me. I told him that was a sweet thing to say. And he laughed and said, that's fine, but I mean it. LeeAnn's been here, was there when I got the first call and gave the hug. I know, I know, this isn't about me, but it's hard not to feel affected and aware of that. Positive thoughts, pushing outward like barn doors in spring....)