what I haven't been saying

He wrote me a haiku and spent time pasting it to a colorful background so I could hang it on my wall (without knowing the paper plates song that gave me the strength to get to this point).

He wrote me a full length poem with lines like “cinnamon and stars make up her body of roving beauty,” as a thank you for inspiring him to write again, as if it’s not totally my pleasure to watch him create on that guitar, his eyes rolled back in his head, to have my head on his shoulder, laying in awe in the early mornings as his voice rises and falls with his chest.

He loves life. Loves it like I do when I am alone. I get lovesick after a few days away from him- actually feeling tired and anxious- but those are the moments that help me process some of the manic that happens when he’s around. He’s the first person I’ve ever dated with whom I am consistently as happy, and sometimes happier, as when I am alone.

He loves the ocean. He gets “it”- as in that force in nature that’s everywhere and all the time. Can get lost in a leaf or an upward lifting flock of birds. We both use the sun like a drug.

He teaches kids how to think.

And cares enough to be a mentor to them.

When people ask how long we’ve been together, his answer is “8 Supine”

That doesn’t scare me.

And I’m also not in a hurry to get anywhere. I realize, finally, that all we know is change will come, and although that doesn’t bring me much comfort, it does enable me to appreciate every drop of time I have with this man. That’s where the urgency lies- making sure those moments are not wasted on anger, distraction, jealousy, wishing for something else.

I’m in love. He knows this. And it’s reciprocated. We are both experiencing a new relationship where ego is hiding and the need to control it has been left aside; no doors open with toes out, ready to escape. It’s frightening, but I’m ready. And he tells me we are in this together. He is a good partner.

Things I’ve realized in the last week. Yes, I am so emotionally dumb that I didn’t know this before:
1) My experience of someone else includes myself, just as I always fear their experience of me is solely based on their own minds. In other words a) there’s a balance and I get to participate in it b) I have consistently been unbelieving that people love me, in relationships anyway. I don’t have faith in their depth, or their ability to connect- a royal insult I have been giving subconsciously. Horrible!
2) When you push people away, it hurts them.
3) My new #1 fear is communication. Not because I’m choosing for it to be now, but because it always has been and I never realized. As an IMDS sufferer, this may sound false. IMDS sorts of truth aren't so hard, I guess because I'm not worried about people thinking I'm a nutbar. Interpersonal expression of emotion is fucking frightening. (#2 is tornados. #3, submerged man made things- undersides of boats, underwater wrecks etc).