these days

In the bath tonight, a little glass of Beaujolais and my book, kitty nearby in her bed and good music on the grooveshark, it hit me: these, right now, are some of the best, most fruitful, ever changing, beautifully open, transforming days of my life. Not that there won't be many, many more in the mix, but these right now will rank high. Relatively free from ties, stress, or persistent obligation, finances falling into place in their meager, humble way, time for a leisurely bath with no nagging thoughts that I should be doing something more productive (*except* maybe organize my newly disassembled room, and catching up with those very important folks I haven't had time for lately)... it's a beautiful space.

Part of it is the exact circumstances of my life right now... and part of it is state of mind. This gives me great hope that future, different circumstances (seemingly more stressful, frightening, nerve wracking) can be felt in a similar way.

Reading "Eat, Pray, Love" again, I came across this wonderful passage:

“I like it when science and devotion find places of intersection. I found an article in The New York Times recently about a team of neurologists who had wired up a volunteer Tibetan monk for experimental brain-scanning. They wanted to see what happens to a transcendent mind, scientifically speaking, during moments of enlightenment. In the mind of a normal thinking person, an electrical storm of thoughts and impulses whirls constantly, registering on a brain scam as yellow and red flashes. The more angry or impassioned the subject becomes, the hotter and deeper those red flashes burn. But mystics across time and cultures have described a stilling of the brain during mediation, and say that the ultimate union with God is a blue light which they can feel radiating from the center of their skulls. In Yogic tradition, this is called “the blue pearl,” and it is the goal of every seeker to find it. Sure enough, this Tibetan monk, monitored during meditation, was able to quiet his mind so completely that no red or yellow flashes could be seen. In fact, all the neurological energy of this gentleman pooled and collected at last in the center of his brain – you could see it happening right there on the monitor – into a small, cool, blue pearl of light. Just like the Yogis have always described it.”

Meditation, breathing, yoga and a determination to react differently to life lately have helped this make more sense. My light is not blue, by any means. At its very, very, tip-top best moments, it might appear purple or fuchsia- red with a tiny touch of azul. But in that, there is a hint of space, a moment of pause and breath, and room to actually deeply relax. And this, this right here is what's giving such a beautiful sensation... that these days lately, these weeks, despite their seeming murkiness, are bright winking stars in my universe, forming important constellations that will tell me about my life. I will feel grateful for them, looking back, trying to understand my path of existence. But it feels awfully amazing and full to feel grateful for them now, too.