ego chatter

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately. I find it's what I crave most in my free moments, when I have them- spans of time to just sit with myself. This is a phase. They are all phases. Soon enough, I am sure, I'll start to crave social interaction and will blossom back out into the world again. But, for now, this is the state of affairs.

And in that, the meditation. The greatest gift I've received so far is being able to enjoy a few instants without ego, where the world is still and some space is created. THEN being able to hear when the ego chimes in again. It's so funny, this little voice and chatter. It almost never says anything useful.

For example.

I do not dress to impress for yoga class- don't want to worry about how my ass looks or if my mascara is smearing. My clothes are loose and frumpy, and I tend to skip the makeup. Today I looked like I had dressed at a fire sale... in the dark. Maroon and gray "Rajasthani" pants that hang like a sack, topped with a bright orange tank top, black sports bra. It was terrifically comfortable and let me sweat nicely in the hot room. There were moments of focused reflection, awareness of tiny muscles shifting in my knees and the space between my ribs... then there were these little thoughts-

- You look like a freak and are weirding out the people around you.
- Wow, you are doing more chaturangas than anyone around you. You're better at this than they are and clearly have been practicing longer.
- Yeah, yeah, this pose really hurts but you should push it further so the instructor can see how you good you are. Don't show your weaknesses!
- Good job on holding your back leg straight on this one! The instructor won't be impressed though because he can't see it in these huge pants.

And so on. I know they sound petty- and they are. I hear them most loudly when I am close to a quiet mind; the first time I sat in meditation for over an hour, I met with the Buddhist nun after and she asked my impressions. I said I learned I was a narcissistic, judgmental person because, around the moments of quiet, these sorts of thoughts arose. She laughed and said we all are and that I had made progress- ha! But now... I don't know. Maybe she was right. I think, even a month ago, those thoughts would get the best of me and become little threads and stories and I'd get all lost in them. Recently though it's been easier to see them for what they are- my most scared and ridiculous part, my "little me" trying to protect itself and get attention. I can laugh better at it now and gently refocus on the details that recenter the mind to the present moment.

Trick now is to bring this to work, in the car, on a walk to mailbox, and to the grocery store. Little by little, mistake and chatter, clanging around. It's all a journey anyway.