bad monkey

Yesterday was a focus on the body. Went to a gentle yoga class, got a great green drink at Whole Foods, received acupuncture and massage, visited an all-gluten-free bakery and had a really beautiful sandwich, went back to yoga followed by meditation, sat in the steam room, then in a baking soda bath, then tried to go to bed early, but did not succeed. It was my last day being sick, my only full day off for I don't know how long, and I wanted to use every last second of it.

And my ego was a big ole pain in the butt.

Maybe because I was sitting with it for a little chunk of the day. Maybe because my body was stronger. I'm not sure. But it was driving me nuts! First it took credit for getting better and demanded I do everything I've missed out on for the last week and a half-- running, a harder yoga class, weights, push-ups, crunches, and why not just fast for the whole day? It'll help clear the system more quickly. I knew these were bad ideas and I'd just end up sick again, but it reminded me that my tummy was getting flabby and I was developing those handles over my hips again. Better to just take care of it all right away. *sigh*

Then it pulled all its little tricks in yoga and in meditation. Lifting me up with silly congratulations and putting me down for not being perfect (and for not being able to shut it up, strangely enough). It judged other people in the class and looked for affirmation, then sulked when I didn't get it. It ran back in my memory bank for all sorts of histories, good and bad, then had imaginary discussions and even fights with different people in my life. All I wanted was to sit in a calm space and think about the higher good. It was like a monkey, running around the room, pulling stuff off the walls and screeching.



I was exhausted by the end.

The question is, how to deal? There are a few theories. One is annihilation: get rid of it entirely. Thinking, let it go. Dismiss it. You can do this somewhat violently, scolding it, pushing it out the door and telling it to go play somewhere else. Or gently, hoping your kind approach lulls it into a sweet sleep.

Or, as our instructor pointed out yesterday, perhaps you think about it uniting. Uniting with that part that is quiet and connected to the bigger self, the Universe, the Brahman, or however you want to think of it. Perhaps give it a role in the process?

"Here, we are going to do the So Hum (I am love) mantra now. I would like for you to go down to the heart center and see how things are there. Start a fire if you can."

Will that keep it busy? I like the idea, but I don't know how to put it into practice.

The only thing I know is effective is to humble it. This morning, I sat down to do 36 rounds of the Gayatri, the most I've ever done by myself. The ego was screeching and yelping and I couldn't get through even one round focusing entirely. I stopped, did some concentration exercises, then returned with a sort of broken spirit. "I will just do what I can today and hope that is enough for now." Something about that realization, calmed my monkey thoughts just a bit, like if I didn't pay much attention to them or put any emotional charge (frustration, anger, even lulling) into the equation they didn't hold as much power. I don't know. Nothing to do but keep trying.