fight, flight, surrender

Volunteered a couple of Sundays ago to do a sermon in July. I always do that, then realize I don't know what the heck to talk about.

Some people suggested recounting travel stories, but I can do that at a lunch table or in passing. There's not very many opportunities to look for resonance to revelation, sharing what you've learned at the deepest level and hoping for a return, or feedback, or agreement... or even argument. That're what the UU group is all about, in the most accepting way. My first few times, I burst into tears half way through the sermon out of pure nervousness. They just looked right through my crying, listened to my message, and offered continued encouragement.

Past sermons have been on: living life once you've accepted death- experiencing every moment from the front of the roller coaster because you know you could be smashed by a run away truck at any time, desire, expanding- by nurturing social ties and doing things regularly that scare you. And something else I can't remember.

Cool. So I knew that much.. and still hadn't a clue what to say.

Then I got another bout of intense jealousy, and realizing I hadn't truly dealt with it, went searching for answers. The solution? Surrender.

Giving into my love for J and my vulnerability in that, everything else became much easier. Serenity overtook. Acceptance of what is, and starting to say "yes" to that, instead of "no", or instead of running away, or instead of fighting.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized this has been the biggest lesson I've been learning. How to let go of control and move into the flow of life, how to surrender to difficult emotions and situations and sit down in them for a little while, instead of fighting all the time to be on top, or cling to what is familiar. That doesn't mean giving up or letting go of what you need. It means really realizing that and starting over and over and over again.

What I've written about it so far:

Silence, Surrender and a New Blogsitee, September 29, 2007

I started going to meditation in the evenings to have something to do, and stayed after one session for the class. In it, the instructor gave us a list of virtues (love, forgiveness, patience etc) and told us to choose one to meditate on silently for the next day. I picked surrender and he said to choose a backup because surrender is complicated.

He was right.

By the end of the day (which I did not succeed in being silent in), I was confused about all the terms involved - is this a solution? What is a solution anyway? How do we feel surrender? What do we surrender to? But I came out of it all...happy. Happier than I had been in a long time.

I feel like I've just come out of a time in which I was making constant decisions to flee or fight, and whereas I got in more fight than usual, it wasn't satisfying... just like running. So I am focusing the third option for a while- and surrendering. Melting into the situation and letting it unfold around me, surrendering to the smell of changing leaves, the feel of the asfault under my bike, the sensations of sinking and buoying that have been running my life as of late- "not moving to hide it, fade it or fix it."

Letting Go, May 15, 2008
This concept of letting go keeps coming up. Letting go of control, of future predictions, of trying to write the plot. My mind turns to Illusions by Richard Bach:

"Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all -- young and old, rich and poor, good and evil -- the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self.
Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current was what each had learned from birth.

But one creature said at last, "I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."

The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed against the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"

But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more."

There are lots of levels of letting go, lots of places in our lives where it can be applied- money, love (that's a big one- surrender), travel, friendships, understanding how our words and actions impact others. Just imagine releasing our fists from all the things we think we are clinging to, think we can control with our minds. Think of just one aspect you want to direct and master. With me, ready... one... two... three......... loosen your grip.... and..... let go. How far can we fly?


And the blog that re-ignited it: http://hitrecordandplay.blogspot.com/2007/09/fall-is-here.html