periphery

Time to break away. I have lost the sense of a centered self and I feel like I am living on the periphery of my life. I haven't been alone, like truly alone, in awhile. Even the car trip to and from Santa Fe didn't feel solo and I'm not sure why.

But I realized tonight at work, when everything I said felt awkward and every conversation ended with self-conscious rhetoric, that I need to get out and be in *space* for awhile. I am not keeping up with email, with phone conversations (I'm sorry- soon. I will catch up soon). When I try for the vision of it, I see Di Vinci's drawing of man, without the person in the middle- just some lines circling where a Being used to be.

Not sure where to go yet or for how long. Technically, I have from Sunday evening till Wednesday night, but I also have animals to watch after my parents leave for Houston tomorrow morning. Chinati Hot Springs, the standby retreat, and fill myself with lithium water? I want a little adventure, maybe even somewhere new. Aqua Fria and I sleep in the back of the truck? Water is key. Submersion and surrender. Recognize the part of me that is dying and let it go, make room for rebirth.