rock the awkward

Been socially awkward nearly so long as I can remember. I say this out loud and people reply they never noticed such a thing. Either we see me differently, or they are just being nice. Either way is fine, really. Because I am slowly realizing it's not about how people see me, it's what I am experiencing here, in the brain.

Not quite sure why, but somewhere in high school, my brain started sending extra neurons to the section that freaks out around people.

By freaking out, at that age, I mean crying and panic (hoping that I was away from said-people by the time it kicked in). Freaking out now, it just stops working altogether. Or, rather, it works way too hard, coming up with 50 things to say in one situation, resulting in me saying lots and lots of them, or saying nothing at all. Or more accurately, a random smattering of the whole selection with an undertone of fear (of mostly judgement, I guess). It's not all the time; maybe 30% of my interactions are tinged and 10% are really intense/ paralyzing.

I have tried to embrace this. On one particularly awkward night, I left work and was expected at a party of very cool people, also known as hipsters. They pretend to be socially uncomfortable, but in truth they let off the most snobbish vibes. To be honest, they scare me a little. So I went home first and took and old white tank top I had already colored up (its maiden voyage met some wine and I just circled the dot and wrote "STAIN" next to it. Hadn't worn it since). So this night I wrote "I ROCK THE AWKWARD" across the top and wore it to the party, still in full neuron-wack mode. People came up to comment on my shirt, expecting, it seemed, some witty response, some confidence. But I just continued to freeze and respond in a most unimpressive way. That's okay. Own it.

Somehow, though, in the last few months, it hasn't been so acceptable... to me. Between training for the new job as a tour leader and interviewing winery folk, it's becoming a real hinder. It's making me sad. I feel it wash over at the worst times and don't have control over when, or its effects. Instead of rocking, I am grasping for ground and some grace. I don't know- is this intolerance part of growing up?

So, like any real change, it's time to consider the roots and replant them as soon as possible. There's a woman in Denver who has helped me literally regrow my neurons to change other habits. She had a huge accident when she was a young woman and was told she would have massive brain damage for life. Being a gentle, very stubborn and determined woman, she took it upon herself to find every way possible to regrow her brain and now helps other people do it too, in our silly, everyday ways. The activities and words are almost magic-like and it took some faith and focus to keep an open mind. But it was incredible effective. Most of the practice has to do with shutting up negative thoughts. Or as she says, "getting myself out of my own way." So I've asked her to do something over the phone, a service she offered last time I was there.

Just admitting that, reaching out in some way for an adjustment, has made some moments feel lighter, dispelled some common fear. I'm ready for more of that, ready for a new chapter. Novelty was always my specialty.