idenity crisis

Sitting in Cultural Anthropology Core today, I experienced a spiraling nosedive. Identity crisis.

We had just finished the notes on ethnographic validity, authority and responsibility- subjects I really enjoyed pondering. The professor then asked:

What matters most for an academic career? (copied from notes)
- exotic fieldwork- another culture; the more dangerous and different, the better
- constant feedback from advisors, peers, colleagues- always and all the time; not a lone-ranger enterprise; help you avoid pitfalls (like saying the wrong thing or being overly critical of another’s theories)- like living in a small town
- publish, publish, publish in top shelf academic journals and university presses- publishing in your studied culture counts as service, not research; doesn’t count for much. The more narrow and specialized your audience the better. Know the current jargon and know how to use it.
- what about reflexivity, modes of authority, validity and responsibility?
o they are important issues but the above is much more important

I knew this- every prof I talk to, save Dr. Hale my mentor, warns me of this. I just nod and smile- whatever, I do what I want. I’ll find another way.

But today, I couldn’t push back. I don’t want that. I simply don’t want to work my whole life not to offend anyone and publishing in journals only a few people who own the decoder ring of theoretical jargon can read. And I started questioning why I’m even doing this.

1) It keeps me away from family and friends for long periods of time
2) It’s ended numerous relationships, knowing the other person won’t be able to come with me. It keeps me from starting new ones. I’m going to die sad and alone in the world.
3) It’s neocolonial, power struggles where I’m the dominator and will never be able to be responsible or loving enough to conquer that little world set-up.
4) It’s the opposite of a simple life. My time is currently eeking away and I forgot to eat 3 times this week already. I want a LIFE- something enriching, full of beautiful social connections and free time to be spent coloring with crayons or laying on the grass, feeling the world underneath me. Not running around in some ivory tower, pushing papers and begging for grant money. And to what end? To publish in some tiny journal only a set of snobs like me will read. WFT am I doing here?

Oh, yeah. They are paying me to learn right now.

But OTHERWISE. Should I just drop out tomorrow, go back to waitressing and save up enough to open Sprawl? The world felt slightly pointless.

I don’t know if Porter was feeling the same thing or feeling my vibes or what, but he cut in with a question:

Does this apply to team anthropology?

The email I sent him. I’ve since shared it with Casey and he’s gunhoe about combining forces and creating a better paradigm.

I woke out of my stupor to catch Porter’s eye and he smiled a beamer at me- It’s going to be okay. None of us like this and we don’t have to do it like this. Here’s the old paradigm. We are the new generation. And you’re not alone.

I felt tears push the bottom lids of my eyes forward and I took a deep breath. Thanks, buddy. I needed that.