wants

Had a friend ask me this weekend where I am in the world of relationships. Was I just focused on school right now?

God, I wish. I'm starting to think I'll never be that girl though.

At the time, perhaps due to the 1/2 bottle of tequila I'd had the night before, or perhaps because I hadn't put it into words yet, I couldn't work out the answer. Babbled about the woman who had been married 70 years and her secret to long relationships. Then about how I wanted to get away from the whole having-to-think-about-marriage-thing-in-the-first-three-months phenomenon. But what else? Wasn't there something else?

Sitting by my Duralog that night, I kept looking at the flame thinking, "This fire's really taking its time- this thing's going to burn forever!"

Oh, yeah. I want what I realized when I passed out of Thailand, when my pallet was cleansed.

I want a partner. Someone to work on the issue of Life with. A friend. (But one with whom I have a hot connection- still a fan of lust). And I'd like it to simmer for awhile- like a good sauce that opens up all the flavors of the spices. Not moving in together immediately. Or talking about marriage right off. Those long term thoughts might be there. But it'd be nice to just enjoy some Time with someone and let it grow into something sustainable.

I asked this of my most recent partner and he agreed fully- we shouldn't be a flash in each other's pans, was the terminology. And then, of course, we were.

I can't help but feel that I'm right on this- that there's something there. Or maybe it just sounds so appealing because I haven't tried it yet. Either way, I think this is what's been fueling my recent pickiness and relative non-interest in guys. It matters very much who this person is, not just that I am thinking about relationships differently. I told Chara that I've sounded like I broken record these last few years "Chara! You'll never believe it but I found the perfect guy! Oh, wait. Nevermind."

I'm ready to grow up. Think about making some sacrifices to work with someone. To Know someone and be curious about him still. To be able to appreciate him without having to worry about the "game." To have a slow burn.