Currently Applicable

"Before dreaming of my New Years escape to Mexico, I think of my friends who are traveling or who will be soon- all their back streets and new words.

Then it's to the balcony at some small hotel I hope to find, overlooking a colonial street that echos with laughing children and stray motorbikes. My feet are propped on the railing and my breaths open up the space between my shoulder blades. The waitress and tortilla pressman tease each other, yelling in Spanish over the mariachi music. I'm here but I'm gone.

I feel a road trip calling....Sometimes I wonder if it matters anymore *where* I am, if it's always in my own body, thinking my own thoughts, dreaming of the next spot on the map, the next town down the road."
Tortilla Del Ray, 10/23/07


"Babbled about the woman who had been married 70 years and her secret to long relationships. Then about how I wanted to get away from the whole having-to-think-about-marriage-thing-in-the-first-three-months phenomenon. But what else? Wasn't there something else?

Sitting by my Duralog that night, I kept looking at the flame thinking, "This fire's really taking its time- this thing's going to burn forever!"

Oh, yeah. I want what I realized when I passed out of Thailand, when my pallet was cleansed.

I want a partner. Someone to work on the issue of Life with. A friend. (But one with whom I have a hot connection- still a fan of lust). And I'd like it to simmer for awhile- like a good sauce that opens up all the flavors of the spices. Not moving in together immediately. Or talking about marriage right off. Those long term thoughts will be there- they always are for me. But it'd be nice to just enjoy some Time with someone and let it grow into something sustainable.

I asked this of my most recent partner and he agreed fully- we shouldn't be a flash in each other's pans, was the terminology. And then, of course, we were.

I can't help but feel that I'm right on this- that there's something there. Or maybe it just sounds so appealing because I haven't tried it yet. Either way, I think this is what's been fueling my recent pickiness and relative non-interest in guys. It matters very much who this person is, not just that I am thinking about relationships differently. I told Chara that I've sounded like I broken record these last few years "Chara! You'll never believe it but I found the perfect guy! Oh, wait. Nevermind."

I'm ready to grow up. Think about making some sacrifices to work with someone. To Know someone and be curious about him still. To be able to appreciate him without having to worry about the "game." To have a slow burn."
Wants, 10/28/07

"1) Has to have a life outside me, something that sustains him away from the relationship.
2) Interested in health, keeping his body strong and feeding it good things.
3) Has to dance.
4) Loves music, musician is a plus
5) Has to travel and from his own motivation.
6) Funny- sense of humor has become so valuable to me.
7) Intelligent and in a surprising way
8) Kind, not embarrassing in public, thinks about others.
9) Lover of warm weather and the ocean"
Paraphrase of list of characteristics in a perfect partner as required by counselor, 09/2006

"and I'd like to believe
I have the strength to do it again, take the pin out of the weapon and throw it in the den
of another lion. I'm trying.
I'll take it out with this punch
like numbers I crunch in my head about the choices
emotions to the surface...
It'll never be perfect
What am I aiming for?
Even the score?
Or those patterns on the back of leaves
Their movement and grace
*breath* I'm shaking
Is it really worth taking
this out and looking?"
free flow while hitting the bag, October 29, 2007

"That I should surround my life with people like this, and choose a partner who also feels joy in kindness. And someone who brings it out in me. And if I can't find that person, I better not choose at all."
Guided Imagery, 10/30/07

"I won't lie. I'd love to meet a goofnut who gets it, who'll join in the bad dancing and laugh loudly. Someone to play with it. I don't expect that though."
cruisin' for hotties, 11/10/07

"Because there's this thing about desire. It's naturally filled with an energy that has a powerful control over people. Eastern religion does a lot with that. Buddhism says "get rid of it!" The absence of desire is the presence of peace. Hinduism, specifically Vishnavites and Krsna worshippers say "harness it!" The love story of Radha and Krsna, especially in the Gitagovinda, brings this out beautifully. Krsna, player of all players, lures the cow herdesses out their homes at night with his flute playing. When they all assemble in the forest clearing, he splits himself into hundreds of Krsnas- one for each girl and proceeds to dance an erotic dance with them. And right before the culmination, right before the organsm, he dissappears."
juicing desire, 10/03/2007

"Why/ What/ How are you who you are/ I who I am? Where can we go together? Is there partnership here? Are we willing to talk about it? Be aware? Honest? Are we interested in each other? I mean, really interested? Do we inspire each other to be bigger versions of ourselves? This way we move from static views of ourselves and others into a dynamic realm of discovery, understanding, growth.

Two wisdoms:

1) My first roommate in college once said that if she knew everything about someone- all their motivations, all their ‘whys’, they’d either be her best friend or lifetime lover. That makes sense to me now.
2) An Indian friend of mine who opted for an arranged marriage, decided by his family and the family of his bride, pointed out a distinction. “You, here in America, are looking for the perfect love, always asking ‘What can I get out of this? What will you give me?’ We in India, in arranged marriages ask, ‘What can we build together?’" My question now is, can we have both? And how."
Solid Stories and Fragile Egos, 11/23/07

"2) Romance- Keep the pact I made with myself about staying single until a relationship really looks and feels and smells right. And that probably means staying single all year (and beyond)."
Let's Push Things Forward, 01/01/2008

"How does this relate? One way I will change with romance: I must provide myself (and the other person) a period of time for real friendship (and observation) before action. I think, along with other benefits, this is some placation of that inner child.

I can (and do) allow myself to start off relationships in a heavy, intense, fully committed way. Part of me gets it...

but another part is sitting outside the circle
untrusting, removed, thumb in her mouth whispering,

"I'm not ready for this."

Vulnerable.

She wins, ultimately, every time. Perhaps if I now give her the chance to observe and decide, I'll be able to feel safer longer, be able to communicate better, be more willing to stick it out."
Inner Child, 01/13/2008

"Anyway, I woke up this little, shy, untrusting girl and she's kinda taken over. In this blog. In face-to-face interaction. I feel awkward, nervous, doubtful. Detached, but not in a good way. Rut roe. Perhaps it's time to get back into counseling and learn what that's all about and how to tuck her back into bed... or grab her by the hair and drag her into the social realm kicking and screaming... or maybe just entice her with a cookie. Whatever works."
Inner Serpent, 01/16/2008


"One: Christian told me today over lunch that a friend of his that I met over a few beers wanted to exchange information. This kid's attractive, a songwriter/singer/guitar player, surfer, traveler, teacher- great combination. And my first answer was, "No, you know I'm not dating." Alison called me crazy and Christian persisted just a little more. "Okay. I'll contact him." (Not that I wasn't completely flattered. He seems to be an amazing person)."
Not 867-5309, 01/09/2008

"And someone I have been honored to spend time with lately opened me up to thinking about it in terms of people. I always KNEW it, but he SHOWED it, in a way that snuck right up behind me. His long list of beautiful characteristics, plus all his fingers and toes, and fears, and threads of hair, and ghosts in his closet, and belting laughter, and ideas, and imaginations, and surprises and and and... will never add up to that something else that radiates around his being. (no, I don't have a crush or anything)"
More than the sum of their parts 02/04/2008