digging for the root

Warning: long, tangental, personal, journal entry.

So the jealousy issue had to come up again. Not because I wanted it to, but because it forced itself upon the situation. Issues do that sometimes, sneaking back in, whispering, "You've only given me the textbook answer. That's not going to work for your life."

I think we all deal with different ways of processing. Some people are very linear, in their heads before being in their emotion. Their task, perhaps, is to look for their emotion with purpose and fuse the two. I am a ball of chaotic emotion and have to search for words beyond that realm. It takes me a long time and many tangents- little bits of root splayed out in all directions. I want to see if I can be semi-linear about it here.

Backstory: Burst into tears at the Outback bar with J a couple nights ago. I've been spacy since the D profile incident but trying to keep it to myself. J doesn't need to hear every detail of my personal processing and I was trying really hard to put the rolodex back. Also, I still hadn't found the words to define my upset. But he'd been asking off and on for days: "How are you doing? Where are you in there? Are you okay?" He caught me after a 1/2 beer. Our conversation basically came down to him promising that he would never cheat on me, no matter what the possibility- he keeps control despite alcohol consumption etc. It's a choice he makes for himself and his personal integrity, as well as for his partner. I've never seen girls come on to someone like they come onto him, so I just sort of framed it in that light- some random girl accosting him at the bar or something. I felt a little better (mostly because he was willing to go out on a limb and make something solid) but there was some deep, unresolved beast hibernating just below the surface.

The next morning, I came to two conclusions:
1) Cheating isn't just a physical thing. It has to do with deception.
2) I want him to be able to express and enjoy his natural magnet powers, his radiance and to receive positive feedback from a variety of people about it. I also want him to be able to benefit from differing company, even if that means that occasional girl with whom there is a connection. No one is everyone to anyone. We all need different energies in our lives to feel full and alive and those have to come from a variety of people. This is not a new concept to me and it's much, much closer to the real root of the issue than a simple thought of him fucking someone else. It is fluidity and complexity and that is always closer to reality.

These two were connected in some way.

Backstory: D suggested he and I share an apartment in Boulder. I was not keen on the idea at first. I didn't really know the guy. He said we could get a two bedroom and if things worked out, we'd have a spare. If they didn't we'd be roommates. After we met in Austin, I agreed to the idea. But I didn't want a monogamous relationship while he was gone. I knew he was a head turner and I also knew he was a flirt. Thought he should get to be those things, at least at the stage of relationship we had. And I wanted them for myself. I knew Boulder was filled with beautiful, bearded men looking for spirituality and I wanted some freedom to enjoy that. It was his idea to be monogamous: "Mar, it's not like we'll have much opportunity for other people anyway. You'll be busy in grad school and I very much doubt I'll meet anyone in Africa." I don't know why he wanted that. You give someone a get out of jail free card and.... anyway. I conceded to there too. Then he backed out of the apartment with a lame excuse and I knew something else was going on, but he wouldn't be real with me. So the problem with the physical cheating wasn't the act(s) itself. It was the deception around it. If he had called and said, "Hey, I was wrong. I am drawn to all these other women and I'm not capable of this" blahdiblah, it'd be a whole different ball game- one I can play or at least have a say in. But instead, it was a lack of communication, a serious lack of honesty and lots of little lies that I couldn't do anything with. I guess that's the shared evil of dishonesty and passive aggressiveness- you take all the power from the other person and horde it for yourself.

I am not okay with J dating other people. D and I were relatively casual in my book. J is a whole other story. But, again, I want him to be able to experience himself as an attractive person outside of just me. It's good for his ego and it's refreshing overall. And, yes, I want the same for myself. But there are some limitations. Cheating can be both emotional and physical, and the first one is the hardest to avoid.

Tangent: Variety of people is important. J and I connect on a ridiculous number of levels, but there are a few places where we don't overlap. Definitely doesn't mean those parts of us should die or hibernate or become solo missions. It's great to have other folks, guys and girls, to experience those parts of ourselves with. The danger comes when you meet someone who shares a whole lot with you, including a physical attraction. I finally learned that I have to avoid these people entirely in my life, if I am in a committed relationship. Plain and simple. Okay, maybe not entirely- but at least hanging out together alone. Otherwise, the temptation for emotional cheating is too high. I'll leave out the backstory on that one. I don't know if he needs the same, but it's something worth talking about.

Tangent: Lies. And passive aggressiveness. I get to be really negative towards both because they are vices in myself that I continuously fight. My parents are very honest people and I was a little liar- always to avoid getting in trouble. It resulted in much bigger punishments than if I had been honest. It's still an unconscious habit. Only little things- forgetting to write someone back and saying I thought I had already, but just realized that I hadn't. Little things. So now I try to peg myself beforehand and say out loud, "You're about to lie." Or I'll tell my passenger as the cop is walking up to the window: "I'm sorry. You're about to hear me lie a little." Inevitably, truth is then the only thing to come out of my mouth. Lying is really selfish and it takes power from the other person by giving them a distorted view of reality to work with. Passive aggressiveness is very similar.

Damn, I am losing the line. Return to the connection. The solution:

I want my partner to experience himself and a variety of other people in a healthy and fulfilling way. I want him to be honest with me about it. I don't need to know every detail of their interaction, but I'd like him to be able to do so without embarrassment or feeling he needs to hide something. This, of course, requires the same from me. Wow, I guess that's it. Transparency. We will both change in our relationship. Some will come from ourselves, some from each other, some from outside the relationship. These changes only belong to ourselves, as do our moments. He doesn't have to share all of that with me, nor I with him. It keeps us interesting and alive to have those personal treasure stored inside, or flowing through us. But in the realm of attraction and sex, there needs to be some level of honesty above other aspects of life, if it is going to be framed as monogamous. There, trust can thrive and jealousy can be buried six feet under.