almost there

I have one *tiny* part of my final left to do. And, of course, I'm not rushing to do it. Partly because procrastination is just so enjoyable, and partly because I can't find the article I need to pull the quote from.

It's almost good, this paper. Not great, heavens no. But maybe even an A, and considering it's 40% of the total grade, that could be a relief.

I actually put my weight into this time, really cared about it. The rest of the semester has been a blur of goofing off and pretending to do school work, getting away with generally bottom-line material. My writing's gotten better, but it's because of this blog. And maybe the thousands of pages of reading spread out in all directions around my computer as I type this.

I have come to enjoy school again in this last push. I think sometimes pain is a good thing. And connections. One new friend is completing a PhD in philosophy and teaching. I sat in on some of his classes and watched how much he loved sharing his passion. Then listened to him roll with my complaints of grad school and answer with honest adoration for the challenge. It inspired me to ask again why I am here, why I wanted to do this in the first place. And the answer came with finals, with the practice of stretching my mind out to pull out thematic strains of thought, with searching for pattern and trying to explain why that pattern's so beautiful, how it relates to our everyday living and understanding of ourselves. And seeing how all this work wakes me up in ways the last 4 years of fun weren't able to do.

So perhaps this is the end of the existentialist angst of grad school. Question answered: should I leave? No. Why should I stay? Because I am expanding, and to end the journey early would just be selling myself short.

Okay, back into the fray. That fucking article has to be around here somewhere...