linked up and the deep root

The Universe was crazy yesterday! I don't know what was going on. I'd have an idea and the damn thing would materialize in front of me.

I won't go into the details of the first- a sort of prophecy fulfilled. Gave me the opportunity to connect with a new person, so that's good.

But the second was like having a lesson handed to me, then being tested on it.

I reached the mama-root of relationship problems at the Irish Jam last night, following thoughts in my journal. Damon's mother was right. After meeting me, she told him he better end it now because I was too nice.

Too nice. At the time it seemed crazy- is there really such a thing? Caused a lot of problems in our relationship as he'd always accuse me of hiding daggers under a cloak of sweetness. We had good arguments though- never went to bed angry, even if it just meant agreeing to disagree.

I digress.

Shit, I don't know if I should keep writing. I don't like how true this is.

I don't want anyone in the world to know this. Good cue to start being honest.

The pattern: meet someone I want to make shine, want to make feel good- about themselves and life, even feel awake if possible. Because they deserve it- they are fabulous. This becomes the goal of the relationship. Something happens and it hurts. I don't want to say anything because 1) it might require asking for a change and I hate asking anyone to adjust anything for me; 2) it might hurt them and that's not making them shine.

Suck it up, bury it down, don't say anything. The veneer gets thicker. Run the relationship into the ground in my head, talk myself out of it. Run away. Put hand out the window and feel the wind run through my fingers.

I used to hit on people like this. Pick the guy, imagine something beautiful about him (maybe true, may be not) and look at him like that's all I could see in his character. Then find a way out of the conversation when it's clear it won't work.

I hate seeing this because it's true. The other guesses were only around the fringe of the problem and a lot less personal.

Start rereading it, and am approached by an older Indian man who I can tell is intuitive, nice, lonely, and trying to find a young, American girl. The conversation is really interesting and he asks me to tell him a story, tells me to write a book, quotes me Tolstoy and lines about a bird in the garden. I'm honest with him- I can't create something I haven't experienced, but I agree that every person is a tiny universe, worthy of exploration. He tells me my mouth is tight and I'm holding something in.

Here's the choice. It's tight because I don't want to look like I'm flirting, I don't want to light him up in any way. Because I'm not interested. Do I do it anyway? Even though I know the goodbye will be awkward and he'll be expecting more?

Yes.

That's the only answer I get right now. It feels better. To do that. To open up and laugh and encourage people to show themselves.

We connect a bit longer and I open up- answer in the spirit of my emotions- nothing flirty but he starts to beem. His compliments start to make me uncomfortable. All I want is to talk to someone, enjoy interaction. Rachel came over because she thought I might be stuck in a strange situation, then I packed up my stuff. He wouldn't make eye-contact with me when I shook his hand- looked a little angry, just stared at the bar.

[freeze- I hate this. This right there. I should have just ignored him in the beginning]

I don't say maybe I'll see him again because, honestly, unless he can just appreciate conversation, I don't want to.

It's a problem. I don't know how to stop it; just stall it with friendship-distance.
This isn't complete. There are pieces missing.
I hate being this self indulgent.
Edward, again, pegged it.

Duncan Sheik, "She Runs Away."
You may not see the end of it
But luckily she comes around
It isn't what she talks about
It's just the way she is

(..and she says)
Ooh darlin' don't you know
The darkness comes and the darkness goes
(...and she says)
Ooh babe why don't you let it go?
Happiness ain't never how you think it should be so

I mystified the simple life
I covered up with consciousness
I saw myself and broke it down
'Til nothing more was left
She saw the symptoms right away
And spoke to me in poetry
"Sometimes the more you wonder why
The worse it seems to get"

(...and she says)
Ooh darlin don't you know
The darkness comes and the darkness goes
(...and she says)
Ooh babe why don't you let it go?
Happiness ain't never how you think it should be so
But she runs away
She runs away....

And then you know there comes a time
You need her more than anything
You may believe yours are the wounds
That only she can heal
Then everything will turn around
And she becomes so serious
What she choose to offer you
Was all that you could have

(...and she says)
Ooh darlin don't you know
The darkness comes and the darkness goes
(...and she says)
Ooh babe why don't you let it go?
Happiness ain't never how you think it should be so
But she runs away
She runs away...
She runs away...
She runs away...