solid stories and fragile egos

What are the stories we tell ourselves about what we need to do to be good people? To be loved?

- I need to be able to fix others’ problems
- I need to be logical
- I need to be charming, clever, funny, the brevity of wit
- I need to be just a little removed
- I need to put my foot down
- I need to be open, welcoming, always available
- I need to be comfortable with myself, endlessly confident (except for when it’s cute not to be)
- I need to be beautiful/handsome but unconcerned with looks
- Not angry, able to be angry, silly, serious, intelligent but not too much, rich but not materialistic, adoring but not smothering, honest but in control, mysterious but blunt, carefree but not reckless, interested but not obsessed…

These are not all mine, but I will claim some of them.

Where do they come from? Watching our parents? Subtle messages in society? What we discern from the natural ebb and flow of human nature’s desires, always trying to fall somewhere in that wave, desirable? Our loudest personal ones are certainly rooted in our greatest fears about ourselves.

The more we worry about these stories, because they feel so concrete, the more fragile our egos become. This is important because 1) fragile egos bruise easier and that causes pain and 2) it’s not cool and people won’t love you if you have a fragile ego.

When my last relationship ended, I blamed myself in my own voice because he wasn’t able to do it for me. Too fat, not shiny/pretty/in shape enough, not wild, mature, inspiring enough. I wasn’t a girl out of a magazine, a fantasy.

But you know what? There’s only so perfect we can be.

At some point, when the imperfection shines clear, we have to start looking at the role of curiosity, start asking the important questions. Why/ What/ How are you who you are/ I who I am? Where can we go together? Is there partnership here? Are we willing to talk about it? Be aware? Honest? Are we interested in each other? I mean, really interested? Do we inspire each other to be bigger versions of ourselves? This way we move from static views of ourselves and others into a dynamic realm of discovery, understanding, growth.

Two wisdoms:

1) My first roommate in college once said that if she knew everything about someone- all their motivations, all their ‘whys’, they’d either be her best friend or lifetime lover. That makes sense to me now.
2) An Indian friend of mine who opted for an arranged marriage, decided by his family and the family of his bride, pointed out a distinction. “You, here in America, are looking for the perfect love, always asking ‘What can I get out of this? What will you give me?’ We in India, in arranged marriages ask, ‘What can we build together?’" My question now is, can we have both? And how.