yank!

And just like a mother root- you start pulling and it all comes out, bits a pieces, threads and strings of thought, realizations attaching back to actions attaching back to impulses, back to desires, back to unconscious underpinnings… turtles all the way down.

Gave it time in counseling to work through this new revelation. And we dipped back into parents and up into the now and over into the future and at the end she said, “There. Now you know the answer.”

I was shocked. It made me so sad. I pulled it out- a sudden, quick yank. Reeled back, I stood there holding it in my head, hoping to get it all down somewhere before it started to wither, forgotten. There are still little bits left in the soil, but not enough to grow another weed. A turning point has been reached.

I was so sad on the ride home- the end of a journey- grateful that cold weather and crying have the same effect on one’s face. I kept going over the conversation, trying to remember everything, but as it’s my memory, it faded fast. Really feeling the sorrow, I looked up at a pedestrian who smiled sweetly. I smiled back. Felt better. Damn, can’t I get really upset about anything anymore?

Root’s out. Answer in hand. Feel like Dorothy- always had it there but needed to go through some journey to discover the how and why. Now time to tend the soil- make it healthy and viable, because that’s where good plants grow. This is so cheesy. (But it’s true in a way). And I don’t really know how to do that. I’m not good at creating things I don’t experience, hence experiencing as much as possible. Damn, there I go again. Anyone else want some chocolate?