what is tired?

I actually didn't sleep last night. Rested, but never slept. I haven't had a night like that in a while. I got a great email from my friend Tim at the end of my attempts at spring cleaning and it was just marvelous- exactly what I needed. So I thought I'd give up the fight and lay down. And flip back and forth for hours.

Which means I'm tired today. I suck at being tired. But what does it really mean?

I feel awake, strangely. Coffee might help that, but even before, my eyes felt open. But things are slipping out of my periphery. My brain's at half mast and motivation isn't so forth-coming.

Tired is a partial functioning of the brain.

Tired has little to do with motivation and a lot more to do with kicking my own ass into gear.

It makes me a lot less aware of others and what they may think, so I tend to be more daring. Probably why I did so many odd things in high school, like only wearing a parka to school one day, naked underneathe, just to see what it'd be like. Or whatever other long list of strange behaviors were left from that time of IBhood. And it's probably why I posted these two overly personal blogs last night. I should probably take them off, but fuck it. They'll scroll down amongst the rest soon and disappear off the map. And that Ryan Adam's tune still a good song.

Perhaps tired is a drug? An uninhibitor.

And a depressant. I am a lot more sensitive when I'm tired. Like walking out of my previous advisor's office as she kindly, but clearly showed me that my time with her is a lot less valuable now. Felt like crying, even when I know this is just academia.

Tired is sandpaper to my nerves, taking off any encasings and exposing them more fully.

I look like death warmed over. Slightly puffy eyes from all the silly emotiona release last night and they have a slight tint of red to them.

Tired is NOT a beautifier.

The question is now, if I can define it, can I control it? That tends to be my approach to most things I overanalyze. If not control, at least let go of and hold in some space that's not so powerful. New experiment.