first grad school breakdown (publically)

It's about time really. This one revolved around an archaeology project I was supposed to present with a partner. We are both interested in Bali, in rice farming, in subak and thought perhaps we'd do something on that. Couldn't find a thing- lots of broken communication about it- a last minute Power Point thrown together last night, and I just wanted to get it over with. My partner said, "No" after my every request in class. If we didn't present, then we had to hand over the Power Point without verbal explanation and take a grade from that. Ours was bare minimum, relying heavily on accompanying dialog. I am already very insecure in this class because of no previous experience whatsoever. At the end, before the last presentation (not ours) I finally freaked a little. It was jovial, but upset. My partner calls everything like it is and pointed out my attitude loudly. I felt the tears, kept sucking them back. Hearing my panic the professor gave us the option to present it to her privately that week. My partner suggested we do it right after class, but I couldn't. The water was so close to my eyes, there was no boundary left. He again pointed out that I was so desperate to do it and now it made so sense I should change my mind. Voice cracking, I could see in my mind's eye the pink forming around the greens and blues of my iris, I asked him if we could PLEASE wait. The prof was right behind me. I packed as quickly as possible and ran to the bathroom to sob. A friend met me on the stairs and let me spill it all.

I joined my partner in the hallway and aired my upset. He handled it in the best possible way to fight/ argue/ "discuss" with me- remind me where I'm wrong (usually attached to memories I can't recall), admit where he was wrong, apologize and offer encouragement at the end. We decided Wednesday in her office.

I once sent Z a quote when his house burned down, "Optimism is when you are treed by a lion and enjoy the scenery." I thought about that today on the ride home. Perhaps, that's really perspective. Something I lose when I am stressed and tired. I am the latter today. Optimism is believing enough to know that the circling lion will eventually tire of waiting, that another animal will distract it, that it'll decide a nap is more fun than devouring you; and you'll eventually be back on your way. My life has finally changed by learning to discern between the two. Sometimes we get upset. Sometimes (oftentimes) the upset is irrational, tired to fear, tied to insecurity, tied to ignorance. And that means sometimes we lose perspective.

The key is to keep the optimism. I am still crying, because I am still tired, frustrated, insecure. But that lion will eventually wander off somewhere else and I'll be free to continue on my way, probably within the next hour. That's how we get up and dust it off. That's where the energy comes from.