the inner child

(this is not me, but she's awfully cute)

Back in playschool, I used to suck my thumb, rub my blankie, and sit on the outskirts of the group watching and calculating the safety of interaction. After a few hours, I'd gather the courage to enter the ring and play. Every Day. I don't remember much except the comfort of observing until the social world made enough sense to enter.

Do we ever really change? I had this revelation visiting with my friend Chara over Christmas break. She's studying counseling at Smith and brought up the inner child. I never really gave it much thought, but, yeah, I'm still that toe-headed little girl. 

As adults, perhaps we are able to build defense mechanisms, talk ourselves into action, whatever. Possibly even get over some fears, but maybe deep-down inside, our fundamental impressions still hold true.

How does this relate? One way I will change with romance: I must provide myself (and the other person) a period of time for real friendship (and observation) before action. I think, along with other benefits, this is some placation of that inner child.

I can (and do) allow myself to start off relationships in a heavy, intense, fully committed way. Part of me gets it...

but another part is sitting outside the circle
untrusting, removed, thumb in her mouth whispering, 

"I'm not ready for this." 

Vulnerable.

She wins, ultimately, every time. Perhaps if I now give her the chance to observe and decide, I'll be able to feel safer longer, be able to communicate better, be more willing to stick it out.